Asking for Help...Part 2

http://goldenageofgaia.com/2014/01/on-the-struggle-for-mastery-and-radical-trust/

And another blogger – going through the same thing…requesting help.

The struggle feels familiar.  

We have become really good at giving and serving and doing. We need to be willing to receive.

For some of us, asking for help and receiving is awkward.  

Is there a false sense of power when I'm the giver?  And when I refuse to receive am I subconsciously saying "I don't need you"? 

Funny that this blog post connects asking for help with trust - my word for the year.  

Reflection on Returning to the Mainstream Workforce

My first week back into mainstream type of employment, even at part-time, was good.  

I had a few moments of “blah” and then I bounced back.

The pace of my life sped up considerably.  This has brought to my attention just how important it is for me to nurture myself.  I didn’t drink enough water.  I got hungry a few times.  I definitely got caught up in some energies that I would have otherwise avoided.  I had less time to process what was happening around me and so remaining mindful was more of an effort.  Spazzy Colleen made an appearance…or two.

I also noted that I was falling into old habits of being a “first responder”.  My old nature was very reactionary and I can tell that is something that could be coming up for me.  I’m grateful for the foreknowledge. 

What I came away with is it doesn’t matter what I do.  I just do it and do it in love.  When the world speeds up, I can breathe and slow down.  Then things settle.  I am seeing the important of balance.  And the wisdom of moderation.  *gasp*

Now in my fourth week, I am finding a routine.  That's not always good (for me)-again, remaining mindful is key for my well being.  It's too easy for me to fall into a rut.  On the other hand, connecting with others has been awesome.  

While I am not thrilled to be employed as it is NOT my passion or joy, I am grateful nonetheless.  Holding on to any other emotion around this is not conducive to my overall happiness.  The people I am working with are incredible examples of grace and compassion and they are excellent examples for me.  I am honored to be working with them. 

A Request For Help

A request for help.

A blogger I follow at http://removingtheshackles.blogspot.com/ has inspired me with her own empowerment.

The woman has asked for help.  

I empathize with her reluctance.  

The awkwardness is uncomfortable.

I sit with it for me.

I do not understand why asking for help makes me feel *blech*.  Ego, pride, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, unworthiness, guilt and shame come to mind.  I’m sure there is much below this and I know I am NOT the only person who feels like this.  At least ONE other person out there shares this with me and she has a blog! 

As I begin this year, I am re-entering the work force.  I have been through an amazing year (2013) in which I chose to embrace the opportunity to do inner work.  I was not employed and what money I did receive via student financial aid and my tax return I contributed to my friends who have lovingly provided a shelter for me, my daughter and my cat.  I contributed some to my daughter and her care.  I contributed money to further my education.  I also paid some debt, allowed my car to be repossessed and my financial aid to be revoked.  I also contributed and donated to others in need.  I indulged sparingly.  

That is the honest assessment of the situation on a practical level.

Looking back in retrospect I am pleased with where I am.  I learned to live with others, to communicate more effectively, to be more flexible and less controlling; I rebuilt relationships with my daughter, my sister and my mother.  I discovered new skills within myself and I found love in my heart.  Some would go so far as to call that God.  

And yet, that doesn't seem to warrant worthiness.  At least in a world where we have required ourselves to PAY for everything.  Like a warm shelter, clean water and fresh food.  So, because I didn't make a ton of money, publish a scholarly journal, earn a degree or produce in some other manner I have the perception that to "the public" I loafed all year.  *sigh*

Further....this perception I have is just that.  MY perception.  No one has judged me.  I judge myself and then project that judgment onto others and it is reflected back to me and back and forth and back and forth.

This year my goal is to create a balanced foundation in which I integrate the practical with the so called non practical.  Balance for my wellbeing.  Not overwork, not over ambition, not over indulgence, not over austerity, not over independence, not over dependence, not over focus on inner work, not over focus on material security…a loving combination of everything synching and merging and dancing together.  Bringing the Divine into the mundane.

Now that I have justified my worth.  Whew.  

Baby steps.

To Be Continued.....  *cue dramatic music*  

Solace - a poem

SOLACE

The smell of dampness in the air:

                A cool wind blows gently.

                                The storm gathers and the sky darkens:

                                                A flash of light and a crash of thunder

               

                The first few drops caress me…

                                Before the onslaught…….

                embraces me.

c. orr circa 1997