Financial Mastery-here I go again...
Big. Huge. Subject.
Abject terror strikes me tender heart.
Just the mention of money evokes such a variety of emotions
I don’t even know where to begin.
Shame, humiliation, unworthiness, guilt, frustration,
desperation, rescue fantasies…
From my perspective and from many years of struggling with mastering the flow of money, I have come to the conclusion that my self worth is (or was) tied to the amount of money I have in my life.
First of all, I'd like to acknowledge myself for my terrier-like focus on figuring out this life lesson. Second, I'd like to acknowledge myself for all the money I have generated to date. Third, I'd like to acknowledge myself for all the hard work and energy I have expended to generate said money. Fourth, I'd like to acknowledge myself for the contributions I have made to the commerce system. (for levity's sake I'd just like to give a huge shout-out to AVON)
I travel back in time to find my original ideals about money and how I came to be where I am at right now.
The first time I remember actually asking an adult about a money issue, I was scathingly scolded and told it was not my business. While that may have been true, I may have taken that experience to heart (I was very young) and internalized it to the point where I did not feel it safe to take a realistic, practical or responsible approach to my money situation. Or even a curious approach. I may have been too scared to take any approach at all. I think I may have just concluded that money is NOT safe. No blame here, just trying to find the point of origin.
Also, I'd like to give an honorable mention to familial beliefs that more than likely reinforced my own insecurities around money. The family I was surrounded by growing up was fond of beating the dead horse of "we ain't got".
I could go on and rant against our societal "norms" that pit us against each other to compete for resources and hoard what we have. Seriously, why did I EVER think it was necessary to have so many things? I will go on to mention that, for me, carrying this mentality only serves the position of victim-hood and not empowerment so, moving on.
I have spent an immense amount of energy proving that I am worthy of an existence. The term "earn a living" sums that up well. The ironic trap for me being that I was never able to prove to myself my own worthiness based on the amount of money I earned.
Could I have some dissonance thinking involved here? Undoubtedly.
So this required me delving a tad deeper.
If my own worthiness could not be enhanced by earning more money, yet I didn't feel worthy unless I had money.....blerg.
As my trek continues on, I gain clarity, confidence and cognizance.
