The year of 2016

Holy wow.

This year has had more ups downs sideways and byways than I can remember.

It has left me feeling a more than a little woozy.

My One True Love and I have finally been united.  He put a ring on it.  Yes, this ring.  There is an exquisitely, romantic story behind it, to be told at another time.  

I have the job of my dreams.  The man of my dreams.  A beautiful apartment with a beautiful view of a beautiful city.

We are in a time of mystery and change.  We are seeing the best and the worst of people.  We have a new president elect and at the same time we are seeing people come together to change the world for the better like the water protectors at Standing Rock.

My daughter has moved into her very own apartment.  A first for her.  She has been at her first real job for a little over a year and has been promoted.  She is an amazing young woman and I couldn't be prouder.

I lost a dear and amazing friend this year.  I will be able to hold a piece of her as I am adopting her cat.

I have had many amazing insights into my own personal character that has led to transformation.  I have learned through an intense and painful experience that at 50 years old, I have the back of an 18 year old.  How amazing is that?  That is miraculous to me!  It allows me to question every single ailment that I am currently attached to.  More to come on this subject in the future.

I have learned more and new energy techniques.  I have deepened my Tarot and Astrology knowledge.  I have studied more occult and esoteric books.  And I have gotten to the point that I am manifesting at an incredible speed.

My life has become quite magical.

As I say this, the sun has popped out in an otherwise overcast day.  :)

This is not to say there aren't down times, sad times, or challenges.  Quite the contrary.  What I am suggesting, is those times don't completely deflate me as they did in the past.  I have, in fact, become RESILIENT!  I welcome the challenges as eagerly as any other incoming energy.  Everything has benefit.  Something to teach, something to learn from, something to offer me.  Of course, that is not always apparent in the moment.  And of course, I am not always (ok nearly never) a gracious host to those challenging energies, but I take them in, and I allow the experience, and I keep on going.

Until next year.....

Hauntings

Instinctual

a force of nature
strong and sure
unstoppable
guided by unseen
elements
move
go
do
move
go
do
move
go
do

Compromise?

Where do I strike a medium ground with myself?  How do I come to terms with being me and being accepted exactly as I am now with being "toned" down for a relationship?  Because, it is appearing to me that in order for me to be in a romantic relationship, there is going to have to be a little less me in order for it to work.

And is that right? Is that fair?  Is that how it is?  Is this life when in a partnership?

I had been under the assumption that when we are in relationship, that we are accepted for all we are, flaws, too muchness, good and bad.  However, I am getting that in order for a partnership to occur I am going to have to keep some of ME to myself.

I am having some dissonance.

Right now I am feeling so confined.  I feel like I am in prison.  I feel suffocated, no stifled.  Yes, I am feeling like I am being corralled and tied up.  Penned in.

I am having a problem coming to terms with all this.  I want to be exactly as I am.  Yes, oftentimes I am a wrecking ball.  Maybe I should be with someone whose walls are a little stronger. 

Maybe being alone is where it is at.

No compromise.

Yet, where is the growth?  And being alone can suck sometimes.

Can I have it all?

Can I be me and have a romantic relationship?

I don't have the answer.

It's like I give up pieces of me in order to have someone in my life.

I don't know if it's worth it.

And I vacillate...

When at work, do I hold part of myself back?  Of course.  And in other certain social settings as well.  In fact, there are very few venues where I am and can be all of me.  My support groups.  And at home when I am alone.

I guess, the big question is am I willing to compromise in order to have a relationship?

Well, if these feelings of being "tamed" are part of it, I am going to have to decline.  

I Rise

I Came in Like a Wrecking Ball

I never meant to start a war....

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell.
A love no one could deny
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

Elemental Drama

Elemental Drama

Earth expands,
    strains to touch the sky...
       falls back in despair

Again enchanted,
  she stretches upward, upward...
        but cannot escape.

Air dances out of reach,
     light-swift movement teases....
        she watches silently.

Suddenly Fire lunges,
    promises warmth and light...
      she guards her fertility.

He swells--she shrinks,
   hypnotic rhythms entice...
      she succumbs.

Enchanted, drugged,
   betrayed by Flame's lurid charm...
      Earth lies seared in the void.


                                  Judith Ann Kerr



Written by my mother circa 1978
 

13:7

Creativity

I got this when I watched the documentary "History of the Eagles".  The Eagles were my first teenage rock band loves.  I have been fascinated and entranced by them since I first heard them.  I loved the documentary as it was a way to get to know them.  Love these guys.

Guitar Goggles

Guitar goggles are when this guy





picks up a guitar and starts playing

 



And turns into...





Okay, so I used a strong visual to bring my experience to life, however, with me it is rarely about looks.  It usually has more to do with guy #1, depicted here by Napoleon Dynamite, having no money, no job and no problem charming me out of whatever he wants. Something about being involved with a guitar player is like having a spell cast over me and all I see is a beautiful man who is in love with me.

My kryptonite..."crypt tonight"

It is said that awareness is the first step towards change.  I am WIDE AWAKE! 

The End

                                      
Well then...

I just came across this in my book of faces feed.  Yah, there are NOOOOO coincidences.  I'd say this sums it up perfectly.  I'm starting a new chapter, make that a new book!  This book has come to an end. 

Addicted to Love

The Big U has spoken.  How many times have I listened to this song and not heard the message that's embedded in it for me?  Interesting. 

Addicted to Love

Your lights are on, but you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes
You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another kiss is all you need
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love
You see the signs, but you can't read
You're running at a different speed
Your heart beats in double time
Another kiss and you'll be mine, a one track mind
You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
You don't mind if you do
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Your lights are on, but you're not home
Your will is not your own
You're heart sweats and teeth grind
Another kiss and you'll be mine
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love

 Florence and The Machine version (Robert Palmer <3 RIP):

Pretty Maids All in a Row

This song has been stuck in my head for a couple of weeks now.  There is something here for me.  I have been listening to it and reading the lyrics over and over....

Hi there, how are 'ya?
It's been a long time
Seems like we've come a long way
My, but we learn so slow
And heroes, they come and they go
And leave us behind as if
We're supposed to know why

Why do we give up our hearts to the past?
And why must we grow up so fast?

And all you wishing well fools with your fortunes
Someone should send you a rose
With love from a friend,
It's nice to hear from you again
And the storybook comes to a close
Gone are the ribbons and bows
Things to remember, places to go
Pretty maids all in a row

Joe Walsh was my first concert.  1985, Kemper Arena, Kansas City, Missouri.  Seems like yesterday.  Very vivid memory.  Amazing concert.  My mother brought Joe Walsh into my life at a very early age.  I loved him. 

The Eagles were my first rock band love of my teenage years.  Many of their songs have very poignant memories attached to them.  I have had 2 missed opportunities to see them in concert and now that Glenn Frey has passed I am devastated that I never saw them live.  I will see him on the other side.  He will play and sing for me up close and personal. :)

Anyway, why this song?  Why now? 

I see about 4 or 5 different avenues to follow  but the first thing to hit me is "And heroes, they come and they go and leave us behind as if  we're supposed to know why."

This theme is particularly significant to me right now in my life.

I vacillate frequently between wanting and, frankly, needing guidance and rebelling fiercely against such.  What is that all about?  I am nearly desperate for help most times of my life and yet when offered to me I throw up walls and run screaming like a banshee in the other direction burning bridges ensuring that I remain lost and directionless on my own.

 Who were the ones that created us and where are they now and why did they leave us here to figure things out on our own?  That seems terribly cruel to me.  Or was there information left for us and it was hidden* and/or destroyed by others that would keep us from knowing the truth?  Or are we all just figuring it out as we go along?  Or all these true in their own way?  Or does any of it matter at all?  I mean in the end, we are all here, looking through our own unique lenses and "we are all just prisoners here of our device".


*Yes, I know there are many texts, including but not limited to the Bible but like the Bible, so many revisions and tamperings and interpretations I cannot trust what is before me today.

I get most of my Esoteric knowledge from song lyrics.  Go figure.  That's how the Big U speaks to this gal.

The indomitable Joe Walsh:

Not My Door

I was dealt a massive blow.  Felt like a nuclear blast to my gut.  A real sucker punch.

I was in love.  Madly, deeply, wildly.  For a long time.  I just KNEW in my heart and soul that HE WAS THE ONE I had been waiting for my whole life.  I mean, all the signs were there, everything was spot on.  For ME.  OMG!  He was handsome, a guitar player and a magic man.  Swoon!  He was an asshole too but by goddess I was okay with it!  He was a little (A LOT) gun shy and after a year of spending nearly every day with me he finally told me he wasn't in love with me. 


I moved on with my life.  I didn't brood.  But I didn't date.  He was still on my mind every day.  I kept up with my daily life.  I took care of me.  I got a job.  I went out with my friends.  I did all the right things.  No moping.

I made peace with it.  I spent four months mending my wounds and telling myself that I had read the signs all wrong, that even sometimes when the signs are all correct that still we can NOT be meant for each other.  I had finally come to terms with the fact that I was okay and he was okay and all was finally right with the world again.

In a moment of weakness (this is hindsight talking because in the moment I felt empowered) I contacted him.

Looking back, I might have been feeling a little cocky, a little arrogant and maybe, if I'm honest, just a tad needy for some male attention.  I had, unfortunately, begun a recent flirtation with someone that amounted to a pile of feathers.  In other words, a bunch of fluff.  It was a nomance.  I had, as usual, built something up in this wild imagination of mine.  I mean, my mind is glorious, but waaaaay more suited to creating blockbuster cinema than practical relationships!  I had, for a few days, been so relieved not to be thinking of HIM, that I got caught off guard...

On with my story...

I contacted Mr. Not My Door...

Oh, a mere two weeks after deciding he was not in love with me, and after I had ungraciously banished him from my life for not being in love with me, he had called me.  I not only hung up on him, I called him back and told him to stop calling me.  Little did I know he had been calling to confess that he had, indeed, FALLEN. IN. LOVE. WITH. ME.

Oh I was flying high on top of love mountain!

Until he started crying.  ?????  Whatever is the matter my one true love?

He now has a girlfriend.

My stomach nearly concaved into itself (oh I wish).

Is this not the stuff of a flapping Danielle Steele novel?  I couldn't make this up if I tried!

I really wish the BIG Universe would quit messing around with me.  This was one lousy joke to play on me.  I am the Queen of Hearts and this was just not a very nice play of cards to be dealt.

Okay.  That's enough of that pity party for a night.  (resiliency, resiliency, resiliency she repeats to herself over and over and over.  rubber bisquit)

I saw this post on the book of faces today:



There are NO coincidences.

I shouldn't have contacted Mr. Not My Door.  My bad.  I banged me noggin and the Big U just gave me another layer of rubber to wrap around it.  Thank you, Sir, may I 'ave another?

oy

And here is my door prize:

Rubber Bisquit

I can't get this out of my head.  I'm feeling like this the past few days...

Feels like I gotta put it here.  NOW. 

Enjoy!

The Lovers

My heart is wild
My body is on fire
My soul is a rebel
and
My mind is a wanderer
My only rest is in
your arms....

Hold Me...

Ghosting

Ghosts of lovers past
walk through the neural pathways
of my brain
Their footsteps pounding
making sounds
passing for infinity
I am seeking meaning
in their signs
in their sensual signals
that carry no definitions
other than the ones that I give them
They seek to confine me
While I seek to release me
The paradox is both prison
 and
Freedom
The choice is always mine

Word of the Year....Finally!

It's RESILIENCY!

Oh effing MY!

In this sweet lil' video by sweet lil' Matt Kahn, he sweetly explains how the Universe will move you along if you fail to do so for yourself.  YUP!  I have had that confirmed.  10-4, over and OUT!

So, yah, because I decided to be all blase' about the New Year and doing anything new or what-have-you, the Universe decided to take matters into its own hands and teach me a thing about banging around walls.  Like, if I'm gonna insist on banging my head against walls (yes, that is MY STYLE) then the BIG U is gonna give me some super duper rubber armor for me noggin.

I 'spose I'm to be grateful for the BU's (Big Universe) interference on my behalf in this instance, and truly I am, but DAMN! can ya take it down a notch?  I'm beginning to feel like I'm in a dang pinball game and I'm the dang pinball!  For the love of Pete!


Okay, okay, my word for this year is RESILIENCY!!!!

I'm gonna be one bouncy, flexible, hoola hoopin' gal by the end of this year at this rate!

Can't frickin' wait!

See ya on the other side!

Resiliency is a quality in objects to hold or recover their shape, or in people to stay intact. This is a kind of strength.

If you bend a fork and it bends right back — that's resiliency. A car that is in an accident only has a few scratches has resiliency: it holds up and keeps its shape. A car that was demolished didn't have much resiliency. A person shows resiliency if they are able to recover from a difficult experience. Going back to school after a horrible event like a parent dying shows a lot of resiliency. Doing a triathlon shows physical resiliency.

the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

My Logo - Pilot

This image came to me one day when I was looking (ok, staring) at a tree in downtown Portland.  I made a rough sketch (very rough) and came home to re-create it on Microsoft's Paint software program. 

I don't claim to have any artistic capabilities, other than a very creative imagination that lends itself to the written word and what Mr. Willard could pull from me in junior high art class. (I mean I would have done anything for him. It's amazing what a girl with a crush can do.)

So far this is my third attempt to get this image from my mind's eye into a physical representation.  However, I do suspect there will be more interpretations before I am satisfied.  For now, this is the basic foundation of what it will look like.

Voila!

Welcome to CORR LOVE! 

P.S. Yes, this is a Logo.  For my blog, website, and upcoming online business.  More to come.  I've been working on this for over 3 years and it's about time I go public.  :)  

I Dreamt You

i just wanted you to want me
in the way that i wanted you
i watched your face for hours
your beautiful eyes mesmerizing me
a dizzying disarming display of soulfulness
when one looked long enough and deep enough
i saw you in there
i saw all of you

i wanted to leap inside of you and get lost
and i wanted you to find solace in my love

i know we all walk a dark path alone at times
but if we are only willing to reach out we will find
a hand waiting to take ours and we are alone no longer

i wished for you and
i dreamt you to me
now i weep for you
and cry out for you

I don't claim to understand the workings of this vast universe
why am i taunted with my desire while in it
but we were not to be
and yet our paths crossed anyway

so fare thee well
journey on
may your sadness pass
and let love find you

Beware the Blank Post!

It's what happens when Blogger makes a Smart Phone App and I have a Smart Phone.  Unfortunately owning a Smart Phone does not ensure that one is a Smart User....

Every time I get a new phone it requires me growing several gabazillion new brain cells which equals approximately 3 years...

I just got used to my iPhone which I no longer have.  Steve Jobs, why???????  They are so beautiful!  And so expensive!  I understand now, I do!  But me no has money!  Well, not for that at least.  I want other things too. 

Dang.

The Joker

My romance was a nomance
As usual I was delusional
The voices in my head
Were taunts from the dead
Tales of the past
When I thought my skin would last
forever
and then some
Now I see that while my life is
endless
my body is not flawless
and love is but dream
and reality is but a scream
and I long for the nightmare
of ghosts and vampires
who whisper tales
of endless youth
and firm buttshakes
haunt me no more
elusive love
for a cannot bear
your mocking
jibes

Ode To Cosette

I lost my cat friend, Cosette a few months ago.  It has been devastating.  I miss her daily.  I feel blessed to have had her in my life.

I adopted Cosette December 24, 2004.  She was 2 years old at that time.  She died November 6, 2015.  Except for the year I was without housing, we had 10 years together.  Every morning she woke with me and every evening she greeted me when I came home from work.  She was a very dignified and elegant creature and she was so refined in her behavior that she wouldn't even play with toys.  :)  I occasionally would bring her catnip and that is the only time she would let loose!  She had a distinct personality and we were well suited.  She had magnificent manners and with a look from me, she knew exactly what to do.

Ode to Cosette  12/24/02 - 11/6/15

My friend
Loyal, lovely, lounging
You make me smile
You heal me, soothe me, protect me
Watch over me
Lazy days we spent together napping
Many giggles you gave me with your dry humor
So tolerant of my wacky, weirding way
You loved me no matter what
You taught me unconditional love
and showed me the way home
And though you are gone from this earthly realm
You are always with me,
Now and forever

I will be with you again
when we meet on the other side

Thank you, I love you forever <3

I Meme This Today

I didn't create this meme, but I sure feel this way today!  Okay, I will be honest.  I feel this way every single day.  Since I have been alive! 

The Man Who Fell to Earth Has Returned Home

I awoke this morning to a text from my daughter telling me that David Bowie had passed to the Other Side.  She was devastated and crying when I called her to find out the details.  He was part of our household just as he had been part of my childhood household. 

David Bowie was born the day before my mother in 1947.  They were both musicians.  She introduced him to me as a young girl.  He was an instant hit to my heart. I have loved him as Ziggy Stardust through Modern Love and to the latest release of Valentine's Day.  He is magical and comfortable with being strange and unique. 

I saw the movie "The Man Who Fell to Earth" at a college campus theater, alone, when I was about 14 years old.  I was captivated by his performance and I have seen every movie he was in just to watch him. 

I think I fell completely in love with him as Jareth, the Goblin King from the movie Labyrinth. 

Compelling.  Enthralling.  Riveting.  Intriguing.  Fascinating.  Spellbinding.  Engrossing.  Gripping.  Consuming. 

These are just a few of the words that I use to explain Mr. Bowie.  I watch him and can't stop.  There is no definition to him.  I love him now and forever.  Enjoy the other side, Ziggy.   Thank you for gifting us with your magic. 

The Cyle of Love

this pain
coursing through my veins
and tearing over my skin
feels like lead
a weight
on my chest
hard to breathe
choking me
my tears
burning my cheeks
like acid rain
i need it to stop
yet my thoughts
are spinning
and in the center
is you
and i spiral
through another
cycle of love
not being enough
to heal the
wound in you

New Year, New...?

I begin this year with less enthusiasm than any previous years.  I have no word to define my intentions for this year.  I have no goals to pursue.  I have no Grand Illusions to chase.  It's less a feeling of ennui than just a cold dose of Re-al-i-tay.  Life on life's terms as the good ol' 12 step programs like to call it.  I call it taking the fun out of life.  And here I have landed. 

I've discovered, after many years of chasing the elusive, that romantic love is just a game I have made up for myself in order to distract myself from the unpleasant drudgery-ness of life.  The mundane that bores me stupid.  It isn't real.  It isn't solid and it doesn't matter.  In the words of Katy Perry, "I'm Wide Awake"....

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
How did I read the stars so wrong?
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

Ah, it was fun while it lasted.  Sort of.  Okay, not really.  Ha!  My life summed up in a pop song.  Now THAT is funny!

If that is any indication of how the rest of my year goes, then perhaps all won't be so bad.  

I have decided to have no goals, no intentions and no motivations for this year.  I turn 50 and that's about all I am up for.  I have worked hard this life and I'm good taking it day by day.

Happy New Year!

End of 2015

12/31/15

As I reflect on my year and my word for the year...LOVE...I can say that I am definitely NOT where I thought I would be when this year ended, which is still single. And a little heart heavy. On the other hand, I do not, can not, regret one single moment of this year and I can say with total clarity that LOVE is exactly what I have ended this year with. Love of myself. While I started this year in search of “The One”, what I found was that I am The One I was looking for all along.

I went seeking a partner and tried everything in my power to make a relationship out of thin air which only caused pain. I kept trying to push a square peg into a round hole. Force. Will. More of the banging the head against the wall scenario. Eventually the banging woke me up. Eventually.

Now I realize that I can never find Love in or with anyone outside of myself. Love comes from within me. I can only find the Love I seek inside myself. I have found it. I am discovering it. I am exploring my own Love. When the time is right, another who has Love from within, will come along and we will be two wholes and will be stronger for it.

I finally realized that two broken people cannot make one whole person. Unfortunately. I certainly have tried what feels like a bazillion times. I finally figured it out.

I am “Shaking it Off” now as this year ends. 

sayo-fucking-nara

and this...

and just for extra special effect....