I am realistic-I expect miracles

Picture found at Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's Facebook page

Heart Shaped Clouds

 

Life is not all black or white

good or evil

pain or pleasure

up or down

sunshine or rain
Life is...ands

Sometimes in the midst of the deepest sadness

life shows up with a heart shaped cloud

to show us that love is always with us

to remind us that we will survive

laughter will return

that we are surrounded by friends

and that hugs are immeasurable comforts

for soothing a wound

Searching for Prince Charming One Penis at a Time.....

Er, um....awkward pause...

It's true.  I somehow fell into the idea that I would recognize my ONE TRUE LOVE by his penis.  Yah, looking for love in all the wrong places and all of those old, tired cliches. 

I am not saying this was a conscious thought.  I'm just saying that's how it played out for me.

Until now.

I am kind of a late bloomer in the emotional department.  I grew up very fast in a lot of ways, but my emotional growth stunted out at about the age of 14.  Lots of reasons contributed to this and those are stories for other days.  The fact still remains, that now, as I come to the end of my fourth decade, I am finally learning how to understand and take care of my emotions.

It's a wild ride.  And I kinda like it!

As I accept my emotions with honor, I also strengthen my self-respect.  Giving in to someone else's need in the hope that I will be returned the favor does not work.

Fulfilling myself comes first.  I can also give, without giving away my body.

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep…wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you….The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.'”
~ Chuck Palahniuk

Self Improvement

When is enough enough?

My mother gave me my first self-help book when I was 12 years old.  I instantly fell in love.  I have been teased and ridiculed over the years for my love of self-help.  I admit, I am a bit of a junkie.  I love the idea of learning, growth and expansion.

But, when am I enough?

I come to this space, nearing my 49th birthday and I wonder about self help.

I mean, how much more improvement do I need to finally accept myself?  To finally feel complete and healed?

Can I accept myself, right now, as I am as perfect and whole?

It's a dichotomous circular argument that plays and replays within me these days.

Can these two concepts be simultaneously true and relevant?  And if so, how do I merge them into a singular idea that I can live within?

Sitting with these thoughts and feelings, I came to this...

Instead of striving for self improvement, I reframe or rephrase or refocus on self-discovery.

In that framework, I can discover who I am and then fully embrace myself there.  That alleviates the concept that I need to improve.  As long as I think I need to improve, I am implying a state of unworthiness and that is NOT healthy.  For me.

So I can discover myself, or uncover myself, and then fully accept what I find.  Love who I am for all that I am, foibles, flaws and flexibilities.  I don't need to fix anything I find.  I only need to love who I am.  

When I do that, I no longer feel this incessant and insidious need to fix something, prove something or defend something that I am.

I just am.

I Am Enough!

Picture Found at Dr. Wayne W. Dyer Facebook Page



I share two blog posts that I found:

Self Love: I am Enough. And also, You are Enough.

I Fill Myself Up First: A Declaration

My Mystical Life

Growing up I lived in two very extreme and opposite worlds.  It gives a whole new meaning to the term bi-polar!

My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old and both remarried within the same year.  Until I was 10 years old I lived in both worlds as I traveled back and forth between my mother and my father's homes.

My father's household became a place of fear and pain, enforced with strict and zealous religious fervor.  Sometimes the control that was placed over me felt suffocating and binding.

My mother's home was a sanctuary for me.  Not perfect, but my mother allowed me freedom of thought.  She introduced to me to esoterica, mysticism, psychology and consciousness at a very young age.  She taught me about Astrology and Tarot and told me about Carlos Castenada and Jane Roberts.  I eavesdropped on quiet conversations she had with friends and family about conspiracy theories.

Though I was exposed to non-conventional ideas, my mother is also a diehard skeptic and embedded in me doubt and disbelief.  She has a scientific mind.  She comes from Missouri, the "show me" state.

So, I came away with a lack of trust in traditional religion and a lack of belief in anything intangible.

It has been up to me to delve into any and all belief systems and redefine them for myself.  To come out of the metaphysical closet and determine for myself what I want to believe and how I want to live. 

Needless to say, I found my heart's desire in the mysteries.  They are like treasures for me.  I open them up, explore ideas and find home.

I don't think its a coincidence that I was born on the same day as Manly P. Hall and Edgar Cayce.

I have studied and explored every idea that I could.  From Christianity to Wicca, from Buddism to Kabbalah. I continue searching for new and exciting ideas and it has become more of a hobby than anything else as I find my spirituality very unique to me and also private and sacred.

For me, these mysteries and belief systems are tools to raise my awareness, to broaden my perspective and to temper my fiery spirit.  

What I have come away with...and this is solely my own personal perspective and path...

They all relate.  They are all connected.  They all lead the way home.

Spreading Goodness

I love watching this guy!  His charm and demeanor have inspired me and his positive messages have kept me going on those days when I was challenged. 

I share this video in order to spread goodness.

I am sooooo good at sharing videos!  :)

Integration

As my journey unfolds, I have come across the idea of integration.  What does this mean to me and what is the role of integrity?

Integrity as Self-Integration

I am comprised of many different aspects, as we all are.

Part of me longs for security, safety, comfort or what I refer to as sanctuary.  

The other part of me thrills at the idea of high adventure and huge drama.  

Part of me is very introverted and sensitive and shy and quiet.  More of an observer.

Part of me is very dynamic, gregarious, charismatic and outgoing and bold.  More of a thrill seeker.

Part of me is soothed by routine and thrives on structure.  

Part of me craves complete freedom of movement as I desire.

This is the plight of my life-to combine these two parts of myself (and others) in a way that each part is nourished.  Both of these sides of my nature are extremely strong and have, up until now, been in fierce competition-with the structural side of me on the top while being sabotaged intermittently by the sneaky rebel.

Integration is the key and yet I cannot forget respect, honor and grace...integrity.  This can be a beautiful dance if I but learn how best to balance these two forces within.  I do that by complete acknowledgement of and acceptance of every aspect of who I am. 


I think that's called loving myself.

Mission Accomplished!

Picture found at Conscious Soul Growth on Facebook:
Molly McCord Facebook Page

 http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/integrity/

Your Need

Your need

like a deep cavernous pit

luring me down

into its depth

pulling me

calling to me

to fill you with my love

welling within

plundering my soul

with unspoken promises

of surrender

of desire unsated

my passion ignites

fueled

i want to be consumed

to merge

my breath becomes shallow

as i fight the strangle of your senses

i cease to exist

extinguished

we are one

My Tribe

The Lonely
The Sad
The Hurt
The Ill
The Homeless
The Hopeless
The Addict
The Mental
The Derelict
The Abused
The Dirty

I Love
I see Beauty in the Forgotten and Forlorn 
Our Souls weep at the Burden
Our Lights doused by cruelty
We know not what we do
We crave you.
We crave me.

corr 8.19.14

Fairy Dust

Picture Found at: SpiritScience Facebook Page

Soooo you gotta friend that you think has lost all touch with “reality” because they have their head in the clouds and indulge in Pollyanna, magical, positive thinking?.

Do you think they are “useless” because they don’t take the world seriously?

Let me give you a perspective from a self proclaimed magical thinker...

First off I am intimately connected to pain and suffering.  I am well aware of all the “boogie-man” scenarios out there in our world…I mean, seriously, you would have to be in a complete coma to not have heard some bad news.  World hunger, poverty, corrupt governments, toxins, etc.  it would seem man has infinite ways in which to hurt each other.  

I spent some time heralding the problems of the world.  As I became more and more aware of OUT THERE I became caught up in the field of energy that perpetrates this type of paradigm.

A very classic example of not being able to see the forest for the trees.

My point being that I GET IT!  The world is sooooooo bad.  Whatevs.

Secondly, being of an extreme empathic nature (Are You an Empath?), I pick up on emotions around me.  Then I "lovingly" spread the wealth with the world.  For an astrological viewpoint see the Rock n Roll Prophetess video for Full Moon January as she talks about Neptune and Chiron energies (Full Moon Forecast January 2014).  Dark.  Muddy.  Wallowing.  Yup.

What this means, in very simple, practical terms is-when I’m around information, places, people that are exhibiting, talking about, displaying doom, gloom, sadness, mayhem, chaos, injustice then I feel it in my body and become part of the problem.  I start exhibiting my own doom, gloom, sadness, etc. in my demeanor, in my actions and behaviors in my thoughts and in my feelings.  The people around me, if they can stand it, start mirroring my own behavior back to me.  The cycle is insidious.  

My SOLUTION

Flip the mirror around.

If I focus and concentrate and surround myself with people and an environment of what feels good to me (and this is subjective), then I share my good feelings with others and a domino effect takes place.  Also called the butterfly affect.

And this stuff is scientific not airy fairy.

Institute of Heart Math 

Institute of Noetic Sciences

You don’t have to take my word for it.  Use your superior intellect and practical superiority and go exploring and see what you come back with.  What you find may surprise you!

There was a little girl who had a little curl…

Okay, so this is how it happens for me.

I find a place within myself – that means that I have a conscious awareness that life extends beyond the practical physical realty.  I anchor myself in the knowledge that I am okay and everything I experience is for my highest good.  If I am perceiving it as negative then I realize that is all it is – a perception.  At any moment I can choose to change my perception.  This is a skill-set that requires practice.  

Here is a personal example:

I entered the homelessness club last year.  

As I walked across the Burnside Bridge to a destination I had no knowledge of, I had to induce fortitude.  Not in my usual manner of head first aggression.  I had to smile, and KNOW with a certainty in my heart, that all would be well.

I admit I was crying.  I can be strong and still cry in the face of the unknown.  I walked into the Salvation Army Female Emergency Shelter ( SAFES ), very anxious but resolved in my knowing that everything would work out for my highest good.

I walked in, not knowing if I would have a bed, get a bed, or even if one was available for the night.  As I sat in the day room, I looked around at the abject sadness and madness in the room.  My fear jumped into my throat and tears fell silently down my face.  I was so alone.  No one was there to hold my hand.  I had no one to call.  The women in the day room around me were tortured and wounded and offered me no smiles or encouragement in any way.  Alone.  I could have given up at that point.  Given in to my sadness, lonesomeness, despair, and fear.  I didn’t.

I sought my higher power and told myself over and over that I was cared for and safe.  Over and over for two hours.  At 11 am every morning, the shelter announces if there are beds available.  I was 65 on the wait list and they announced they had 5 beds open.  I kept my faith even in that “reality”.  I kept my faith.  I believed I would be okay.  And sure enough, I got a bed that day.  Number 33.  

If I had chosen to look at the odds, the so called reality and what was tangible in this situation, I never would have believed I would be safe that night.  But I BELIEVED.  And I was rewarded for my faith.  Despite my body’s fear, I was able to create a safe space for myself within and, like MAGIC, my without provided a safe place for me as well.

So yah, unicorns, fairies, magic, angels, they all exist for me in some way.  Somethings must be believed to be seen.  

I am seeing.