Ode To Cosette

I lost my cat friend, Cosette a few months ago.  It has been devastating.  I miss her daily.  I feel blessed to have had her in my life.

I adopted Cosette December 24, 2004.  She was 2 years old at that time.  She died November 6, 2015.  Except for the year I was without housing, we had 10 years together.  Every morning she woke with me and every evening she greeted me when I came home from work.  She was a very dignified and elegant creature and she was so refined in her behavior that she wouldn't even play with toys.  :)  I occasionally would bring her catnip and that is the only time she would let loose!  She had a distinct personality and we were well suited.  She had magnificent manners and with a look from me, she knew exactly what to do.

Ode to Cosette  12/24/02 - 11/6/15

My friend
Loyal, lovely, lounging
You make me smile
You heal me, soothe me, protect me
Watch over me
Lazy days we spent together napping
Many giggles you gave me with your dry humor
So tolerant of my wacky, weirding way
You loved me no matter what
You taught me unconditional love
and showed me the way home
And though you are gone from this earthly realm
You are always with me,
Now and forever

I will be with you again
when we meet on the other side

Thank you, I love you forever <3

I Meme This Today

I didn't create this meme, but I sure feel this way today!  Okay, I will be honest.  I feel this way every single day.  Since I have been alive! 

The Man Who Fell to Earth Has Returned Home

I awoke this morning to a text from my daughter telling me that David Bowie had passed to the Other Side.  She was devastated and crying when I called her to find out the details.  He was part of our household just as he had been part of my childhood household. 

David Bowie was born the day before my mother in 1947.  They were both musicians.  She introduced him to me as a young girl.  He was an instant hit to my heart. I have loved him as Ziggy Stardust through Modern Love and to the latest release of Valentine's Day.  He is magical and comfortable with being strange and unique. 

I saw the movie "The Man Who Fell to Earth" at a college campus theater, alone, when I was about 14 years old.  I was captivated by his performance and I have seen every movie he was in just to watch him. 

I think I fell completely in love with him as Jareth, the Goblin King from the movie Labyrinth. 

Compelling.  Enthralling.  Riveting.  Intriguing.  Fascinating.  Spellbinding.  Engrossing.  Gripping.  Consuming. 

These are just a few of the words that I use to explain Mr. Bowie.  I watch him and can't stop.  There is no definition to him.  I love him now and forever.  Enjoy the other side, Ziggy.   Thank you for gifting us with your magic. 

The Cyle of Love

this pain
coursing through my veins
and tearing over my skin
feels like lead
a weight
on my chest
hard to breathe
choking me
my tears
burning my cheeks
like acid rain
i need it to stop
yet my thoughts
are spinning
and in the center
is you
and i spiral
through another
cycle of love
not being enough
to heal the
wound in you

New Year, New...?

I begin this year with less enthusiasm than any previous years.  I have no word to define my intentions for this year.  I have no goals to pursue.  I have no Grand Illusions to chase.  It's less a feeling of ennui than just a cold dose of Re-al-i-tay.  Life on life's terms as the good ol' 12 step programs like to call it.  I call it taking the fun out of life.  And here I have landed. 

I've discovered, after many years of chasing the elusive, that romantic love is just a game I have made up for myself in order to distract myself from the unpleasant drudgery-ness of life.  The mundane that bores me stupid.  It isn't real.  It isn't solid and it doesn't matter.  In the words of Katy Perry, "I'm Wide Awake"....

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
How did I read the stars so wrong?
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

Ah, it was fun while it lasted.  Sort of.  Okay, not really.  Ha!  My life summed up in a pop song.  Now THAT is funny!

If that is any indication of how the rest of my year goes, then perhaps all won't be so bad.  

I have decided to have no goals, no intentions and no motivations for this year.  I turn 50 and that's about all I am up for.  I have worked hard this life and I'm good taking it day by day.

Happy New Year!

End of 2015

12/31/15

As I reflect on my year and my word for the year...LOVE...I can say that I am definitely NOT where I thought I would be when this year ended, which is still single. And a little heart heavy. On the other hand, I do not, can not, regret one single moment of this year and I can say with total clarity that LOVE is exactly what I have ended this year with. Love of myself. While I started this year in search of “The One”, what I found was that I am The One I was looking for all along.

I went seeking a partner and tried everything in my power to make a relationship out of thin air which only caused pain. I kept trying to push a square peg into a round hole. Force. Will. More of the banging the head against the wall scenario. Eventually the banging woke me up. Eventually.

Now I realize that I can never find Love in or with anyone outside of myself. Love comes from within me. I can only find the Love I seek inside myself. I have found it. I am discovering it. I am exploring my own Love. When the time is right, another who has Love from within, will come along and we will be two wholes and will be stronger for it.

I finally realized that two broken people cannot make one whole person. Unfortunately. I certainly have tried what feels like a bazillion times. I finally figured it out.

I am “Shaking it Off” now as this year ends. 

sayo-fucking-nara

and this...

and just for extra special effect....