Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realise that I can see
That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card of some delay
So this is all I have to say
That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please
The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger watch I bring
That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied oh why ask me
That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please
This year marks the fifth year anniversary since my suicide attempt. My third attempt. And my last attempt.
My earliest memories were of not wanting to be here. Of wanting to get off this f**cking fun house planet. I don't have many happy, joyful childhood memories. Some, not many. I just wanted to be gone. I didn't feel like I was meant to be here. I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt like a stranger in a very strange land. I didn't understand what the hayhobalina was going on, why people were so mean and cruel and why everything was so hard and scary.
My first thoughts weren't necessarily of wanting to die, they were just of wanting to be gone. To be off this world. A story my mother told about the first time I touched the earth and grass was that I screamed. To me that story told me a lot. It told me that I was not familiar with this Earth. It did not feel natural to me. Fast forward nearly 50 years later and I feel much differently. I love this place. This Earth. I love trees, plants, grass, nature, and everything that grows. I love animals, water and even insects. I love everything. Even people. I have a deep abiding compassion for the human race. Even for myself.
It's been a long journey for me. I am reminded of the 2008 movie The Day the Earth Stood Still. Keanu Reeves character is talking to one of his kind that has been on Earth as an observer. Keanu is telling him that he has to leave as the planet is going to be destroyed. The observer tells him that he is not leaving. That he is staying because he has grown to love Earth and the people on the Earth. Even though they may not deserve to be saved he has grown to love them anyway. I feel like that character. As a child I felt very much like an observer and I was horrified by the violence and the cruelty that not only I observed but was also subjected to but now I have grown to love this place I call home.
Since my last suicide attempt I have awakened to the beauty and love that surrounds me all the time. I am grateful for all that I have. I am thankful for the simple things in life. I am blessed by the bounty of grace that has been bestowed upon me. And while I no longer fear death, I also no longer wish for it.
It is thought that people that commit suicide are selfish. But from my perspective, I thought that my passing would be a relief to those around me. That was then. Now, I think differently. I also realize that no matter what I did to try to end my own life, it was not mine to end. My Creator, my Higher Power, the God of MY understanding, has another plan for me and I do not have the power to end my own life. I certainly tried. Multiple times. With effort. My God has another plan for me and it is my responsibility to live my life accordingly.
So, I may be stubborn. Willful. Rebellious even. Eventually I figure it out. That the jig is up and I have to give in. Then I can start chasing another ball. My tenacity runs in another direction. This time I am pursuing life. And love. And joy. And connections.
