I wonder if I will ever recover or get over my daddy issues.
I thought I had nearly two decades ago after I turned 30. It was not long after my 30th birthday that I realized my father was a person unto himself and that he had no further obligation to me to mend or fix things from my childhood. At that time, it came as quite a punch to the gut and also as a valuable lesson and chance for me to let go, once and for all.
Then why am I back here again?
Reliving angst and anger and resentments?
I do not understand.
I will never hear from him what I want and need to hear. He will never choose me or save me from his second wife who brutally abused me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He made a decision when I was a child to choose her over my safety and well being. I am savagely angry at him. How dare he! Yet, she has passed away and he is in a different reality, in a nursing home with Alzheimers.
I have forgiven over and over, as I have learned over the years that forgiveness is not a one time act. And that forgiveness is not for the other person it is for me. Done and done.
I wish my father well.
Now what?
How do I heal this empty, deep wound inside that longs for my father's love, my father's safety, my father's protection, my father's affection, my father's attention, my father's defense, my father's choosing, My Father????
I have sought, what seems like endlessly (see post), through my "relationships", to heal this to no avail. What gives?
It falls back to me. To heal myself. To nurture myself. To give myself the love, affection, safety, protection, attention, defense and choosing. Good Golly Wow.
What a concept.
Where to start?
With a first step.
Stop the endless seeking outside myself to be healed. No one outside of myself can heal me. No one outside of myself can fix the wound inside me. No person, place, thing, food, drug, tv show, pet, job, etc. can fill the space that was left empty as a child. Only I can fill it.
I can view this as empowerment. I have the power to fill that empty space. Or to at least, soothe myself with the knowing that I am okay with the emptiness. That the emptiness is not to be feared and does not need to be filled. Maybe, just maybe, the emptiness can be. Just be. Maybe the emptiness is an essential part of me.
Love.
